Woodchipper Massacre

By Louis Fowler • Mar 20th, 2007 • Category: Comedy, Horror

Imagine that, locked away somewhere in the TGIF vaults, a long-lost, long-suppressed episode of Full House was uncovered. In that episode, father Danny Tanner leaves DJ, Stephanie and Michelle for the weekend with their evil Uncle Jesse, who, instead of being the cool, Elvis-worshipping rock’n’roller we have all grown to love, is a mean, spiteful crone who makes the kid’s lives hell. All he does is scream, complain and chide, bringing the girl’s self-esteem to new lows, leading them to as “whatever happen to predictability?”

When Stephanie’s new Rambo knife (with real working compass!!!) finally arrives in the mail, Uncle Jesse, just to be a prick, tell her that she’s not allowed to have it. In an act of defiance, Stephanie says that she’s going to keep it, leading to a tug-of-war with the Stallone-inspired weapon. In a horrific twist, Stephanie accidentally stabs Uncle Jesse, with the ensuing massive blood loss leading to him dying on the kitchen floor. In an act of wacky sitcom plot devices, the kids all conspire to get rid of the decomposing evidence in a massive woodchipper, which dad has just happened to have rented for the weekend.

Just when the kids seem to be back on easy street, here comes a seriously tweaked-out Uncle Joey, who’s less Woody Woodchuck and more Chuck Manson, knocking the shit out of DJ and threatening Stephanie and Michelle with constant threats of violence. Fed up, they eventually stuff him in the woodchipper, wet Joey-bits spraying the front lawn, upon which a lone dog sniffs around.

Imagine no more, because the recently rediscovered 80s VHS relic Woodchipper Massacre is that exact episode, with a few names and places changed, of course. Released at the dawn of the straight-to-video era, this hysterical cult film is an insane sitcom episode—the kids have well-timed zingers, smart-aleck one-liners and get into all types of wacky mischief—all in a low-budget horror film setting. It’s obviously shot with a VHS home video camera, the kids all come from the “let’s scream every line” school of acting and the production values are non-existent, but it is so adorably cheesy, how could anyone pass this up? Hell—it’s even got a “dad’s coming home in 15 minutes—let’s all pitch in to clean up the yard” montage. That’s pure genius! Whether it was meant to be a jokey as it comes off is another story altogether, but, who cares? Woodchipper Massacre is a fun, laugh-a-minute film that can kick-off a whole new night of TGIF entertainment—one that utilizes horrible stock characters and lame jokes with different acts of horrible bloodletting. Someone get Jaleel White on the phone!

And the fact that a woodchipper is used to massacre? That’s only the cherry on top of an already delicious cake.

For more information read our interview with Woodchipper Massacre director Jon McBride.

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